You know when you’re hanging out with someone and every other sentence, they utter what seems to be some type of complaint? I think we all know someone like this. And oddly, the criticism never has to do with themselves.
It turns out, this is a big red flag indicating a lack of emotional intelligence, or EQ.
A strong EQ is associated with higher income (research shows you earn an additional $1.3k per year for each point increase in your EQ) as well as greater happiness.
Today we’re going to dive into EQ and some strategies you can use to boost your emotional quotient.
In part two of this two-part series, we’re shifting gears to look at emotional intelligence.
In particular, this has to do with how well you are able to understand and manage your own emotions as well as someone else’s.
It also has to do with how reactive you are to something that upsets or frustrates you. Do you whine and throw a tantrum like a toddler when you don’t get your way? Or, do you process the information, feel the emotion, label it, and then take control of your feelings to answer in a socially acceptable way?
While it’s important to feel the feelings, as opposed to being numb, it’s also important to understand what social settings or even what people evoke a certain emotion in you.
Now, this can be something that you actively take note of after a certain situation, a “not one of your proudest moments” type of reaction. And over time, you may notice a trend. Say, oh wow, I notice I’m feeling X in this social setting and it’s causing me to do Y, which is misaligned with my authentic expression.
Easy to say, tough to do. So let’s talk about a few specific strategies you can employ to put this into practice and meaningfully boost your EQ:
Embrace Your Own Feelings
Avoid trying to numb yourself to emotions. A typical numbing strategy is to take a common activity to an extreme (binge watching Netflix, stress eating, over exercising, drowning yourself in social media). Anything that distracts you from what you are feeling. This only kicks the can down the road and can cause things to spiral out of control as the emotions pile up. After all, eventually you’ll have to deal with them.
Instead of taking an extreme action, strive to be still. Find a quiet place where you can be by yourself and allow yourself to feel and listen to what emotions are running through you. Remember that emotions are transient.
Just because you feel something does not mean you have to act upon it. You’re feeling angry at your bestie, but that does not mean you call them up right then and there to yell at them. You’re frustrated at your business partner but you don’t go and write that angry email you’ll regret later.
Sit with the emotion, contemplate the experience of it, and let it pass through you like a sieve. It’s only temporary.
Journal Your Thoughts
This is related to #1, but here we take it to the next level.
The goal here is to not only embrace the feelings, but to do so in a systematic, scheduled way, and to put them onto paper.
Setting aside time to reflect on your day with a special focus on your feelings will go a long way. Check your emotional temperature and contemplate the genesis of that sensation. Do this for both the pleasant and unpleasant emotions you’ve experienced in the past 24 hours.
Then put it into writing. This is really important because by writing it out, you force yourself to acknowledge it. It doesn’t have to be pretty. You’re not publishing it anywhere. It’s just a powerful way to exercise your EQ muscles.
Do it daily if you can, even if it’s just 60 seconds of scribbling. You may find you’ll want to do it more once you get into the habit and see how good it feels to work that part of your brain.
Validate Other People’s Emotions
Validating someone else’s emotions gets you closer to identifying what the person is feeling, even if you don’t understand why they feel it. More importantly, it shows the person they are not alone. Even if you might not have ever experienced that specific thing they are going through, chances are you’ve felt that feeling and have enough context. Now, validating someone’s emotions does not mean agreeing with them or commiserating with them. Rather, validating is about demonstrating to the person that they are not wrong for feeling the way they do. It’s not saying “I understand why you are feeling depressed. I felt that way too when I broke up with my partner.” Instead, it’s saying “I totally see how you’d feel frustrated since your partner never gave you any indication that there was a disconnect.”
So again, don’t one-up them with a similar experience or familiar feeling. Just validate that the emotion they are feeling is completely warranted. A cool plus to this is that as you get better at doing it for other people, you’ll get better at doing it for yourself.
Thus, by (1) embracing your feelings, (2) journaling them, and (3) validating other people’s feelings, you’re making excellent headway toward becoming a more emotionally intelligent human.
It’s really important not to shut out emotion or desensitize yourself to experiencing feelings. Our goal is not to numb ourselves to the highs and lows of reality, but rather to understand what makes us feel a certain way (person, action, setting), why that is (you’re having a rough day, you got into a fight with your significant other), and what are we going to do about it (fix the problem instead of throwing a tantrum).
The truth is, you might not be able to avoid what “triggers” you, particularly if it’s a part of your life that’s tough to control, like your boss or your neighbor.
But you can be prepared to deal with whatever your reaction is. By anticipating it, you lessen its power over you. This awareness will enable you to take control over your reactions, and eventually, you’ll be able to neutralize your trigger.
What’s really cool is that, when combined, EQ and SQ make up something called ESI, which is emotional and social intelligence.
ESI is like a superhero power couple that you really want in your corner. They’ll protect you when the going gets tough. They’ll help you recharge when you need to be still and get rejuvenated and most importantly, they’ll lead to greater self-awareness and better relationships.
By having both EQ and SQ you are doing yourself and those around you a great service. You’ll bring your happiest most authentic self to each social interaction and will encourage those interacting with you, in return, to show up as their best self as well.
Here’s the thing. We are social creatures. We crave connectivity. And I’m not talking about vanity metrics with how popular our insta photos are our how many followers we have. I’m talking about listing the people we can call up and pour out our hearts to, or who can share with us the personal intimacies of their lives.
When was the last time you sat down and had a heart to heart with someone you cared about? I encourage you to go out and have a conversation with another human. Boost your EQ and SQ in the process. You’ll be happier because of it. And, you’ll also make someone else happy in the process.
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I’ll see you in my next lesson! 😊
Happy Explearning!
About the Author and the Explearning Academy:
Mary Daphne is an expert in communication, executive interpersonal skills, and personal development. She is the founder of the Explearning Academy, a platform dedicated to helping individuals enhance their social fluency, boost their careers, and elevate their social game. Through immersive group coaching programs like the Executive Communication Lab and self-guided journeys, participants gain the social superpowers and career catapults they've been searching for. If you're ready to take your negotiation skills to the next level and connect with like-minded individuals, visit academy.explearning.co and explore the various plans available. Join the Explearning Academy community and unlock your full potential.
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