You’ve heard us talk about improving communicative competence on this channel before, but did you know that there is something called romantic competence?
Improving romantic competence is essentially our answer to better relationships.
Wouldn’t we all like to have a guide for better relationships? Preferably one that is not woo-woo but instead backed in science?
Today we’re going to look at the 3 essential skills everyone needs for healthy relationships.
As humans we are innately social creatures and we are relational beings. Many of us strive to have healthy, nurturing, and fulfilling relationships.
But it’s not like they teach us in school how to have relationships. Instead, we learn that peripherally from a young age. People in our immediate environment set the example – parents, family, and friends. But we also see examples of relationships – both the healthy and unhealthy ones – from pop culture and social media.
I mean, there’s a lot to unpack in a love song, amirite?
And then there’s firsthand experience. Because there will come a time when we find ourselves in a relationship and we have to sink or swim.
With good communication you’ll swim, but we’re taking it a step further with this video by understanding the three core skills that comprise romantic competence, which is a concept put forth by Dr. Joanne Davila, a psychology professor and director of clinical training at Stony Brook University.
Whether or not you’re in a relationship right now does not matter. What matters is that you have the three tools ready to go in your Explearning toolkit ready so that your romantic competence is on fleek.
Let’s first look at the definition of romantic competence according to Dr. Davila:
Romantic competence is “the ability to function adaptively across all areas or all aspects of the relationship process [including] … figuring out what you need, finding the right person, building a healthy relationship, [and] getting out of relationships that are unhealthy.”
Sounds like it’s important. Ready for the first skill?
1) Insight
Insight has to do with awareness, understanding, and learning. If you have insight, you know who you are, what your needs are, and what you desire in life. It also helps explain why you do certain things or behave a certain way.
To improve this skill, we want to tap into our intrapersonal communication and learn to listen to ourselves. Journaling, spending time alone, exercise, and getting out in nature can help us strengthen our inner voice.
What’s cool about insight is that, not only does it help you find your “why” (in the Simon Sinek sense), it also helps you understand your partner better.
With insight comes clarity for the consequences of your actions. You’ll know that yelling back to your partner will escalate things further, when you should seek to dissipate the tension. In another scenario, you’ll know that sending an angry email will not get you the outcome you seek, and instead that a face-to-face meeting can help clear the air.
And the last part of insight is learning.
We know that failure can be a valuable learning experience. So if we consider past events and their outcomes, we can modify our behavior and communication accordingly, because now you know the right thing to do.
Once you know what you want and need in a relationship, you’ll be able to choose a partner more wisely. Moreover, once you have that partner, you’ll be able to share with them these insights. In turn, they’ll feel free to do the same, and that creates a positive feedback cycle.
See how, just with this first skill, we’re making great headway with romantic competence?
Alright onto the second skill.
2) Mutuality
Mutuality is about understanding that a relationship is a two-way street. It’s not all give and it’s not all take. It’s the recognition that your partner has needs that are equally as important to your own.
Some advice here: be vocal about your needs. Don’t rely on telepathy or that your partner will just know to make dinner because you had a long day at work. You have to audibly voice your needs. You can’t expect your partner to be a mind reader.
Remember, just because you have needs, that does not make you needy.
We’re all in need of love – to love and be loved – so by that definition, we’re all needy.
So be mindful of your partner’s needs as well as your own.
And in order for your partner to know what’s important to you, tell them explicitly.
Let’s say your partner needs to make their smoothie first thing in the morning before doing anything else, because that’s how they set themselves up for a great day. Well, mutuality will allow you to support your partner in this, even though you don’t necessary love hearing the blender go off early in the morning.
The point here is that mutuality brings in a certain level respect to the relationship because you’re respecting each other’s needs.
Ultimately, mutuality allows you to consider both you and your partner’s needs in any big decision. Where to move, what job to take, whether to take the next step in the relationship be it marriage, children, etc.
Ready for the final skill?
3) Emotion Regulation
Some people might find emotional regulation to be the most challenging part of romantic competence, particularly if you identify as a reactive person.
We have a lesson about how to respond instead of react, so definitely look into those if this is something you’re struggling with.
The key here is to be fully self-aware of our emotions and what causes us to react the way we do. Pay attention to what your triggers are. The next time you get upset, try to identify what the source of those emotions were.
And then ask yourself “do I really need to scream at the top of my lungs over this?” or “Is the silent treatment really the best way to handle this type of situation?” Try to come up with some alternative ways that you can address the situation. Ways that are more emotionally mature.
Not only does emotional regulation allow you to stay calm with your partner, it also gives you perspective on your relationship. Consider if making a big deal about this one thing is going to cause more damage than good. Then maybe just let it go. After all, if you fight over every single thing, then you might as well be in a boxing rink as opposed to in a relationship.
Choose your battles. And when you do engage, do so in a thoughtful, emotionally mature way.
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So there you have it, three core skills for developing romantic competence.
To quickly recap:
Insight is about knowing thyself. Understand who you are and what motivates you, which will equip you to better understand how you engage with your partner.
Mutuality is recognizing there are two people in a relationship, and both have needs that should be addressed. Value each person's needs equally.
Emotion Regulation is about being thoughtful with how you respond to stimuli. Your partner knows you and loves you. Keep this in mind the next time they do something that might push your buttons and temper your response accordingly.
If all of this is new to you, then start by working on one skill at a time. With practice, it’ll become second nature and you won’t even realize you’re doing it.
In combination, these skills will help you foster a robust romantic competence that will ensure a strong foundation for your relationships. And that’s important because when we’re in a relationship we care about, we want to do as much as we can to make it to last.
So now that I've shared our thoughts, I want to hear about what works for you. What other strategies can you share with the Explearning community to develop your romantic competence? And what challenges have you encountered?
Share those two things with me in the comments below.
And, if you loved this lesson, please be sure to let me know. You can give the video a thumb’s up on YouTube and if you haven’t done so already subscribe to join our tribe of Explearners so you never miss a lesson. If you ring that bell, you’ll get notified about new lessons and our weekly live streams.
Email this video to a friend or coworker who also wants to supercharge their social skills.
While we’re at it, feel free to also share it with your Facebook friends as well!
With that, have an awesome week, Explearners.
Thank you so much for joining me and I’ll see you next time for your next Explearning lesson.
Happy Explearning ⚡
About the Author and the Explearning Academy:
Mary Daphne is an expert in communication, executive interpersonal skills, and personal development. She is the founder of the Explearning Academy, a platform dedicated to helping individuals enhance their social fluency, boost their careers, and elevate their social game. Through immersive group coaching programs like the Executive Communication Lab and self-guided journeys, participants gain the social superpowers and career catapults they've been searching for. If you're ready to take your negotiation skills to the next level and connect with like-minded individuals, visit academy.explearning.co and explore the various plans available. Join the Explearning Academy community and unlock your full potential.
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