In this article, we’re talking about how to calm down an angry person by learning how to respond instead of react. Our goal is to resolve and event prevent a conflict from transpiring using the strategy I’m going to teach you today.
While it can be challenging to respond instead of reacting, you’ll be happier you did because you won’t have to worry about the aftermath of reacting.
The problem with reacting is that it segues into more hostile communication, which can evolve into a bigger conflict.
Raising your blood pressure and getting hot headed is not only doing damage to yourself, but also to the people around you. Unless you’re trying to give off the reign of terror vibes to your interlocutors, I suggest you stick around for our 3 strategies.
We’re going to remedy this with nonviolent communication.
Time to Explearn.
Before you react impulsively, think P T R. I’ll explain.
Step 1: Pause
Before you blurt something out that you’ll soon regret take a breather.
Pause.
Let it sink in for a second.
Stoics are the queens and kings of this. They have conquered their reactions and replaced them with a pause and a stoic expression (no sign of emotion).
Try it out in the mirror (see what that looks like on you) and see if you can do it.
Practice this by thinking back to a time in recent memory when someone managed to push your buttons. They got you fuming and furious.
Think of that pain point and meet it with a pause + stoic expression.
‘Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear? (Lao Tzu)
Let’s explearn some examples.
Someone says:
This is really sloppy work, Joe. The second time this month you and your team have made such a huge error on these reports. There are serious ramifications. Why did you cross-check your work???
What does Joe do? He pauses and puts a stoic expression on his face.
Someone screams this at you:
This is unacceptable, Mathilda. You failed to prepare the deck and we have a roomful of VC investors in the board room. How’re you ready to present? You’re about to walk into the maw of a vicious beast.
Matilda’s not reacting. Before she does anything, she’s pausing and putting a stoic expression on her face.
I think you see where we’re going with this.
So to sum up strategy one, Pause. Pausing will let the dust from the volcano settle.
Step 2: Think
The next thing you need to do is think.
Pull out those thinking caps, Explearners. But in all seriousness 99% of the time we blurt out something is because we are not thinking.
Think about what the person is telling you. What are they saying?
Going back to our examples:
The person who’s angry with Joe seems to believe that his team’s reports are sloppy.
Joe’s thinking: The error isn’t as big as he’s trying to make me believe. It’s not the end of the world, I’ll be more careful checking my team’s work before handing in a deliverable.
The person who’s upset with Matilda is under the impression that she’s not ready to present to VC investors.
Mathilda’s thinking: He’s nervous about the meeting but I have everything under control. I won’t let his negativity rub off on my performance. Even though I don’t have a deck, I know the product extremely well and I’m confident I can ace this presentation.
So to sum up this strategy, we’re taking thinking time to (a) digest the speaker’s message and to unpack it without overanalyzing or taking it personally and (b) to think about how we’re going to be OK that it’s not the end of the world and no need to worry
Step 3: Repeat
Repeat the question back to them. The other option is to paraphrase but it’s to the same effect.
Here you’ll need to paraphrase the question / issue in your own to words to make sure that you’ve interpreted it correctly.
You’re checking that you didn’t miss anything.
*Most importantly this will buy you thinking time, because you haven’t responded yet, you’re repeating or paraphrasing (letting them hear their words)
Why should we do this? This will give you enough time to formulate a thoughtful response instead of an impulse reaction.
Let’s have a look at the examples:
Joe is repeating the exact adjective used to describe the work: What I’m hearing you say is that the work our team put out was “sloppy.”
Then Joe segues into a thoughtful response about taking responsibility for his team and setting up a goal setting meeting tomorrow. He also suggests that the two of them sit down and go through the “sloppy” aspects of the report so that everyone’s on the same page going forward.
Mathilda decided to paraphrase: What I’m understanding from your remark is that in the absence of a deck I appear to be unprepared for this presentation.
Then she segues into her intelligent response about how she’s confident in her ability to explain the product and she has brought the prototype along for a demo.
So to recap strategy 3: Taking time to either repeat or paraphrase or a mix of both can help you diffuse the situation. You’re calming able to buy some more thinking time and it lets the speaker hear back their words which will register for them. It allows us to create a thoughtful response instead of a defensive reaction.
I will add that in the examples I’ve given you today, the speaker seems to be instigating and inciting some sort of reaction from the listeners, Joe and Mathilda. But in some cases what causes us to react impulsively is sometimes an innocuous remark that we’ve blown out of proportion or simply misinterpreted. But this is why P T R is so important, because regardless of the speaker’s initial message and their intention behind it, if it in any way causes you to want to blurt something out impulsively, then that is good enough of an indication that you need to P T R yourself out of there.
So to recap, the problem we’re trying to solve is to prevent a conflict from transpiring by checking our impulse to react to a comment or message that stirs up anger and anxiety, causing us to go into defense mode.
The way we’ve solved this issue is through the P T R approach: in the face of potential conflict, we Pause, Think, and Repeat.
And, after you PTR you’re in a prime spot to respond in an intelligent, thoughtful, and compassionate way.
Practice P T R so you can respond instead of react. Add it to your Explearning Communications toolkit and remember that non-violent communication is tremendously effective // your best bet in these heated scenarios.
Alright Explearners, that’s a wrap on this lesson. I hope you found this conflict resolution model, PTR, valuable.
Be sure to head on over to my YouTube channel and check out the numerous other lessons on effective communication skills. Be sure to subscribe and ring the notification bell for more communication lessons coming at you twice a week. I post new videos every Tuesday and Thursday.
I’ll see you in my next video 😊
Happy Explearning 🐝
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Let’s contemplate this piece of wisdom by Lao Tzu:
‘Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear?
🐝
About the Author and the Explearning Academy:
Mary Daphne is an expert in communication, executive interpersonal skills, and personal development. She is the founder of the Explearning Academy, a platform dedicated to helping individuals enhance their social fluency, boost their careers, and elevate their social game. Through immersive group coaching programs like the Executive Communication Lab and self-guided journeys, participants gain the social superpowers and career catapults they've been searching for. If you're ready to take your negotiation skills to the next level and connect with like-minded individuals, visit academy.explearning.co and explore the various plans available. Join the Explearning Academy community and unlock your full potential.
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